What is a Bogan?

A bogan is a yobbo or a bevan, typically with a mullet haircut and tight jeans. Some bogans are obvious, like Warwick Capper, others are understated like Tina Arena or Kate Langbroek. But the question remains, are you a bogan? Well with the following quiz, by choosing answers A, B or C, we can establish for once and all, if you are a bogan.

This comes from: http://phat.shafted.com.au/text/bogan

At the Fish and chip shop you would order:
a. Chiko roll and chips... extra salt.
b. Piece of flake, banana fritter and some wedges.
c. Grilled piece of flake, small salad and a can of diet coke.

When you go on a holiday you choose:
a. Bali, Surfers or Rosebud.
b. Noosa, Lorne or Thailand.
c. Broome, Vietnam or Europe.

Your favourite holiday is booked with:
a. Contiki
b. Flight Centre
c. STA

You buy some smokes, you prefer:
a. Winnie Blues
b. Benson and Hedges
c. You don't smoke, it's bad for you.

Your favourite person on 'Neighbours' is:
a. Toady
b. Brooke Satchwell
c. Harold

You watch Melrose Place and look at Amanda, you think:
A. She's a spunk
B. She's alright
c. She's a slut

The sticker on the back of your car says:
a. If it's rocking don't bother knocking!
b. No Fear
c. Magic Happens

You call your Dad:
a. The old man
b. Dad
c. Father dearest or Sir

The last book you read was:
a. Anything by Max Walker, he's a pisser.
b. Anything by Stephen King, he's brilliant.
c. Anything by Irvine Welsh/Will Self, they're wonderful.


If you answered mainly A's. You're a full on moccasin wearing, holden driving bogan. You're proud of the fact and you aspire to be like Gary Ablett or Jimmy Barnes. You were spewing when Rose Tatoo broke up and your idea of a good saturday night is footy replay, followed by Sizzler/Smorgys then a Van Damme Video from Movieland.

If you answered mainly B's. You're what we call a 'Closet Bogan'. Someone who has the basic bogan instincts but is supressing them. You most likely grew up in the outer suburbs then moved into the inner suburbs when you went to Uni. But you can't deny it, you love playing kick to kick in the street, you've got couple of flannies in your wardrobe, you secretly sing along to The Angels tracks when your radio 'accidentally' finds itself on MMM. Face up to it, you're a bogan.

If you answered mainly C's. You're a snob, any bogan would call you a poof, regardless of sex type or orientation. You have no bogan in you at all. No amount of Cold Chisel albums or tight stretch jeans will ever change you. You sit in cafes where you work on your screenplay/play/book. All your friends are all called Jeremy and Tash and you grew up in a middle class suburb. Sorry your bogan credentials are zero.

Newcastle City of Brides

I spent the weekend in Newcastle "Newi" to the locals or "Lake Macquarie" to the expats to embarrassed to admit they are from Newcastle (yes, I've done it.)

Nat and I we were driving to the ocean baths for a quick afternoon dip when wedding parties materialized out of nowhere. It was like the amazing race and they were all heading to the same beach. In the space of an hour we came across 3 weddings. Naturally, we felt compelled to jump out of the car to have a look.

One wedding was a casual affair - barefoot on the beach. It even had a sprinkling of locals lying in their bikinis amongst the guests. Apparently budget beach barbie didn't think it appropriate to launch her ass of the towel and move so the guests could stand be close to the alter. Yes, they were crowded around an inflatable palm tree and the red surfboard did double as the alter but I didn't say it was a classy wedding. Halfway through the ceremony (did I mention that Nat and I managed to blend in as guests) beach barbie moved. Hoorah. We also decided to make an exit after the kiss.

The other wedding was an over the top affair with the bride still wearing her platforms on the beach and a snarl on her face. Hello Bridezilla... The bridesmaides were dressed in flaming red gowns.

Later in the night after fending off some bogans at the bar who just made too many references to balls, seeing a biker walk past and steal a platter from the party jump on his bike and ride off, I came across one of the bridesmaids at the petrol station.

I took her advice not to go use the public loo because "some bitch pissed on the seat and its disgusting, just don't go in love." Somewhere between her slurred words and drunken sway did I realised that in fact she was the one who pissed on the seat and it was such a nice gown too. I guess it's just lucky it was such a dark shade of red?

I smiled, motioned to her equally as drunk groomsman stooped on a milk crate and wished her well. A quick wink and a promise that she would probably be the next one to be married seemed to make her forget about the bathroom incident for a minute. Her sight was then on the groomsman. Oh no, I hope it's not going to be a shotgun wedding between the two.

Licensed to Drive... a Tractor

It's finally happened. I've got my gold license. Yes, it took me more than 10 years but this one allows me to drive a vehicle seating up to 12 adults (mini van?), a 4.5 tonne truck and a tractor. Hmm, I can't even drive stick but bugger it if the government will let me drive a tractor - why not?

The RTA lady gave me a little wink when she handed me the hot little license only confirming that old adage "the bigger the hair the better the girl" and "mascara is always a good idea."

Now all I need is a car or a tractor.

Sydney Celeb Sightings

Andrew Daddo @ the Greenpark. There are so many of the Daddo brothers that I had to work out who it was by a process of elimination (prompted by by roomie Chloe). Cameron? (no) Lachie? (no) Andrew (no) "Is he's on one of those travel shows?" "Yes." Then it's Andrew.

Kate Fischer @the Starlight Cinema opening night. She was blonde and fabulous.

2006 Celebrity sightings: 2

A Man's living in my Garage Dear Dazza...Dear Daz...

When one sublets their garage it's not generally expected that the person renting it will decide to sleep there. Not so in the case of my 'shed renter' Darren. Tonight Darren informed me that he has spent 5 nights sleeping in the garage while between apartments. According to him he even overheard confused utterings from other residents (of the building, not the garage - maybe there are others??) about his phone charging on one of the outlets. Funny that. Daz didn't consider parking his bike in the garage with him in the spirit of being inconspicuous. Oh no, he left that in the drive way area. Too cramped in the garage maybe? The question of "Where did he pee and shower for the five days?" didn't really come up but I do wonder especially he now has a full beard. Let this be a lesson to everyone: Beware of squatters masquerading as subleters!

Vipassna - Now I'm Zen

It's amazing. I survived the 10 days of silence and eating only vegetarian food at Vipassna. (Meditation retreat in the Blue Mountains) The mind definitely wanders to weird places when silent for 10 days. I began creating personalities of my fellow meditators and giving them names. "Pregnant Woman" for obvious reason 8 months pregnant. "Dog Faced Lady" again for obvious reasons and rather unfortunate on her part, "Sniffles," "Breathy" and "Shuffles" because of their habits in the hall. "Holier than thou" because she was dressed in white, sat on a platform. There were loads more and really and since I didn't get to talk to these people it's all I could do.

I managed to witness what I thought was a saucy affair between a young woman "Holier than Thou" and one of the male meditators "shaggy yet mildly hot". She was always draped in a white outfit that was similar to a toga. This one time she was blushing and smiling at "Shaggy" across the room.

So on the 10th day when we were finally able to talk to others I rolled on up and asked her what that scandal was about. Not only did it turn out that this guy was her brother (oops), she is also a nun!

She might be a nun but i'm no saint as soon as I was out on the 11th day I went straight to a fab cafe and had bacon, sausage, eggs. How many rules can I break in one go (Non kosher, non vegetarian, non vegan, and a whole lot of gluten and wheat.) So I guess this whole Vipassna thing didn't really take. Oh well...next!