Hitchhikers & Magic Kebabs

I had to turn down a hot dinner invite to MNH's place as it was closing night of the Vagina Monologues.

Naturally I felt compelled to join the cast for a few post show vinos and even though I was offered a few rides back to the city I stupidly chose to catch the bus back with another actor. Mistake #1.

We waited...and waited...and waited. No freaking bus.

We examined the time table a little closer only to see the 11.19 bus had a very tiny 'b' next to it wich means that it boards on the opposite side of the road i.e the same bus stop we got off at to go to the theatre (not logical).

So to add insult to injury we had sat watching our bus drive past us. Now that I think back, I swear that bus driver snarled while waving at us. Bastard. We were pissed and we were screwed. The next bus due was at 7.50am. In 8 hours time. I repeat 8 hours!Hitchhiking quickly became our only option.

Arm out, leg arched in true slapper style we thumbed a ride from the first car that came by.

Introducing: Claire and Jeff.

A mid 50s pair of booze hounds who had a heated arguement right in front of us with the windows open. Luckily they finally agreed to drop us in Hornsby. Sounds great? Well, they also explained that they would be avoiding the main roads because of breathalizers. Oh, fucking great.

My fellow hitchhiker, having only moved to Sydney 3 weeks earlier was freaking out and mouthed to me "are you scared?" The only thing that scared me was the freaky Phantom of the Opera sountrack on their stereo. Claire's driving wasn't so bad. I'd certainly been with worse sober drivers in the past. However, none that played Phantom.

Hitchhiker Girl moronically revealed the name of our show. Jeff flat out did NOT approve. It was sour faced cats bums all round and I personally don't think that either of them had had much vagina action in a while anyway. I still had my flaming red lipstick on that served me so well at mardi gras and I'm sure they thought we were a pair of lying slappers heading back to the city.

By the time we arrived at the train station we had missed the last one and had to wait another half hour for the infamous night bus. Lucky for us we spotted a fellow Vagina Monologue actor who pointed us in the direction of the Magic Kebab Shop yonder:$3 Magic Kebabs. Uber bargain.

The owner of the shop's own skinny kebab was a little overactive and the sexual innuendos were flying around. Magic Kebab Owner Guy was offering his 'fresh meat' to me, did I want it 'cut' or on a 'thick slab' and would I like his 'creamy white sauce? Don't worry baby. I'll tell you when it's coming so you can be ready to swallow.'

'Umm, thanks kebab man but, no. Fuck no actually.'

'Oh, so you want to fuck me?' he asked.

At this point Hitchhiker Girl tried the ole faithful 'she's my girlfriend' routine but Kebab guy wasn't buying it and turned his attention to her. It was at that very moment that she revealed to him she was bi. The penny dropped:

Oh God was I on a lesbian date without realising it? Had I initiated this by offering to get the bus with her? I flashed back to the glasses of wine she plied me with. The compliments on my performance. The saving me from Kebab man. The 'missing' the bus!' Did she think that I had planned all this? Had she planned all this?

Oh, fucking fabulous just what I need a fellow vagina after my vagina and a greasy kebab man that just won't quit. I just want to get home into bed sans both of them.

I picked up a couple of college boys to amuse me while waiting outside said Magic Kebab Shop. The bus ride also took ages as we had to make special stops for a blonde broad to puke on the side of the road. She's got a way to go before becoming a fully fledged lush.