The Lost Vagina's of Manly

I was late for my first rehearsal of The Vagina Monologues. It seemed like such a simple task: go to the rehearsal in Manly. I'd been to this hotel before for a few vinos.

I asked if there was a rehearsal happening and nothing but blank looks came my way. I gave the name of the bird running the show but again nothing. I finally leant over and slowly and quiety elaborated saying that I was there for the 'Va-gin-a Mon-o-logues.' The looks changed and I was directed to room 41 where a band was playing. Alas no vagina's to be seen. - Hello, I'm after a rehearsal filled with women doing monologues about their vagina's not a room full of blokes wanting to put their pickle in one.

I barreled up a backpacker who directed me to an internet cafe. The whole time I kept up an internal running commentary David Attenborough style:

"Where are the Vagina's? Have you seen my Vagina's? I've lost my group of fellow vagina's. The Vagina's were last seen in Manly." How ironic that out of all the places in Sydney this could happen it happened in Manly.

After getting the address I high-tailed it to the other hotel where a pair of squeaky clean front desk guys were congratulating each other on their good looks. They must have been first year uni guys they were just so sparkling, a twinkle in their eye, shiny faces. Forget the era of the sugar daddy - the toy boy is the new accessory.

Anyway, I wasn't dancing around why I was there and got straight to the point. "I've got a rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues, I've been wandering around Manly, went to the wrong place is it here? Are the other vagina's rehearsing here?" They seemed to enjoy my frankness and directed me upstairs where I found nothing but the crusty old Toastmasters.

Frankly I'm not too sure what these people do. Do they make toasts? Give speeches? Spend hours shouting cheers and drinking to one another? Actually if that is what they do then maybe this is a group I could really embrace. I'd have to ignore the fact that they wear name tags and are all over 70.

Another trip downstairs and the shiny boys said that the woman I was meant to see was definitely with the Toastmasters. I knew this was bollocks. I'd seen them and they were NOT vagina people at all but I still went back upstairs. I was now ridiculously late and was over it so when one of the blue hair friendly toastmaster ladies asked if they could help. Do you think that I can be blamed for her death if she carks it from complete shock?

Back downstairs again and I now have a shiny guy as an escort. He finds the vagina's for me - funny that. They are behind an unmarked closed door. Phew, I enter in the middle of a monologue and take a seat.

Since this was my first rehearsal and the show is next week I get a quick run through of what I'll be doing. All the monologues had been assigned and I was left with Theatresports. Okay, that sounds interesting, theatresports, but what do I have to do in the show? I thought.

So we all got up in a group to give me an example.

"Okay everyone BE....A.....VAGINA!"

What, you want us to BE a vagina? I mean seriously, I go to a rehearsal where I am in a theatresports segment in the Vagina Monologues and I should expect something other than this? No, this is probably to be expected. However, having someone direct you to "be a vagina" "make a vagina with your bodies" is still kind of odd to hear. Well, I was there and had such a shit fight to get to that bloody hotel that I did it with the rest of the group and together we made a pretty damn convincing vagina.

And that was it. I heard only one monologue and was a vagina for about 30 seconds and the rehearsal was over. So much running around for so little. All the other monologues had happened.

The Vagina Monologues is a greatly respected piece of theatre but next week I will be one on stage in front of hundreds of people 'being' all kinds of vaginas. A vagina swimming, a vagina shopping....

*Since posting I have been offered a bigger role. I'm now part of "Short Skirt".